feeling kinda ,,,,,

Lately I feel like such a bad mom and person. I'm finding it really hard to stay at church. My made up calling bores me to tears. I have no purpose. they ask me to do stuff then take it away for the girls to do, which is the way it should be the girls should be doing, planning and preparing stuff. So I go to all the meetings for no reason what so ever. I'm just an extra body taking up space. which I thought would be cool but it turns out, I really like to have a purpose withmy callings. They are so desperate to find me a purpose that they have given me an assignment to ....how to say this.... be someone's special friend? I'm to sit with her and hold her hand and be right there all the time, stuff like that. *Shutter* I really have a hard time with that. I'm never been real huggy with my kids, yep I'm a bad mom. And I don't like it when they get all in my face. They are my kids so I do my best to tolerated the huggy clingy stuff they do sometimes. And a hug between friends great. Or at least not as freaky as it was before guam. Anyway, that's not a in your face be right there all the time thing. Then there's the germ thing. I can not handle people touching my face or even my hands. I have been working really hard on it. I can handle little, little kids under 3, for a couple hours before I start to get all wigged out. I have issues with taking the sacrament be cause of the trays and all the hands they touch that have touched who knows what. Not to mention if you watch the young men at the sacrament table they have hand sanatizer which, I assume they use, I can't actually see them do it here like I have in other places. If you watch them you'll still see them pick at zits or scratch their faces while breaking bread. I'd seen children sneeze on sacrament tray. Toddlers with hands in diapers then passing or touching trays. I've seen kids grab a handful of bread and put it back. I've seen people pick their nose or faces or ears then pass trays. Anyway, I have issues... in fact I forgot what I was talking about.

Oh ya my made up calling. I'll do what I'm asked and try to befriend this girl but honestly I feel the girls should be doing this more than me. This girl make not seem very responsive but she know the difference between a leader that's assigned and girls that are just there for her. I feel like such an evil person for feeling like this about an assignment. I know I'd be ticked if I were a parent and I found out someone was assigned to my child. And if I were that child and I figured it out. grrr. Anyway, my thoughts seem to be very random today. I guess that's why I titled my blog sporadic ramblings of a nutter losing her marbles in print. Cause I am.

Anyway, I love going to the activities and doing stuff with the girls. However it's also incrediable boring. In other places I've been the approach was I won't ask you to do it it I wouldn't be willing to do it myself. So we pretty much participated with them. Here though it feels very stand offish to me. Sit back watch the girls go. I personally think they as well as myself get more out of it when we do these activities together. Let them lead, just be a participant just like them. Anyway, I hate ...no not hate.....strongly dislike my no purpose made up calling. I seriously ask myself all the time, why am I doing this? I don't see any point what so ever. So yes I am bored to tears. *shut up already Julie*

My friends that I use to hang out with have pretty much all disappeared. I understand for the most part the reasoning so I'm trying to give them mhe space they want. There was even an activity recently I was so excited to finally hang out with my friends but they desided not to stay. It was all I could do to not brak down and cry right there. Then there's my daughter who never writes me or replies to the messages I send/e-mail/text her. I feel so alone. Which tends to make me depressed which makes me want to buy things, which makess us poor, whichs makes me depressed. Which makes me want to curl up in a ball in my room and never come out.

My whole life kinda feels like that right now, I feel like I have no purpose. My sole purpose in life right now is to wake up watch someone else's kids then go back to sleep. Oh my really big function is to watch netflix, make sure my computer, Ipod and Kindle work. Wouldn't want those things to go away. Those people in those worlds are my friends.

Sorry this blog is such a downer but if I don't get these things out they fester and become worse.

The other than seeing my husbaands face when he gets home from work and having my children get along, cooperate, listen to me, smile and hang out with me. The only other thing that makes my day is letters from Jeremy. It's amazing to watching him grow more and more each time he writes. I am so proud of him and the choice he's made to serve a mission.

Anyway, ttfn