pitty party warning

everything seems a bit blaa lately. I can't pinpoint any one thing that is causing my melancholy. I guess it's a combination of everything. The biggest being that my prescription for my Zoloft is empty. I haven't had a normal amount in days. My appointment to fill it is on the 5th of November. Yes that was the soonest they could get me in. I could be a regular basket case by then. Of course there are many factors in addition to the missing meds that make everything so much worse. I will admit I am feeling very lonely and friendless lately. I know I have friends but, life just isn't the same as it was last year or even like it was before summer. I always had someone to talk to ,to do meaningless errands with, to walk with, or just hang out with. Plus there were always people at my house, whether it be the kids friends or mine and John's. It seemed there were always people around. Now there are just the four of us. I miss my friends, I miss my kids friends. I miss my kids. Which brings up another thing. Christmas this year is going to bite something fierce. There will only be four of us here and no friends to hang around with. Since no one is ever at the house to visit or play games I lack the motivation to do anything. As long as the kids keep the kitchen clean and I keep the playroom clean for the kids I babysit, I could careless about anything else.

I've been trying to get excited about Christmas. but I am really lacking in that department. I can't think of anything to make for anyone. I lack the motivation to make anything I do find. I keep thinking if I set the Christmas tree up that will help. In my world the tree normally goes up right after Halloween. This year I keep thinking set it up, then I think..why? I also always have my shopping for Christmas done by now. This year, I think about it every now and then and that's it.

This holiday season is already hard enough without two of my kids. But, now I can't even do any emotionally eating to help make it all feel better. To help my Mainer's (no clue how to spell it) I have to cut back my salt intake to 1600 a day. Which does sound bad till you start reading the things you eat. I'm trying to do it though. I'm sick of feeling like I have one hand out all the time to touch a wall or to use to balance myself. Then there's the feeling nauseous almost constantly. On top of that I'm pre-diabetic. I'm pretty sure once they do my next A1c also on the 5th of November. They will say I'm diabetic. I've been monitoring my blood sugar on my own and it's been pretty constantly in the 170's range. Which, means I've been trying to watch other things in my day to day diet. I only get 30G of carbohydrates per meal. And I need to stay away from things high in sugar, including natural sugar. I'm trying but not doing so good with that. Part of me wants to say what's the point in living if I can't have my sugar.

Oh well, life goes on and so must I.